Boogars

If there were a way to make money with or sell boogers, I could be a zillionaire! I estimate that in my now 6 yrs of being a mom I have probably collected 25 gallons of boogers. Sometimes I catch them with a kleenex, sometimes with my kids' shirts, sometimes with my shirt, and in a very desperate moment I have been known to catch them with my bare hand. I think before I had kids I knew that they had the occasional runny nose, but I had no idea that they are literally dripping these things all the time. From the day we brought our first daughter home we were sucking boogers out with a "booger sucker." Or putting saline drops into her nose to help get them to drain out, and she wasn't really sick, she just had boogers. By the time I had my second and third babies I pretty much gave up the booger sucking and stuck to the wait until it comes out and grab it method. I'm starting to think that maybe I attract the boogers. I mean, wherever I am they are. I can tell when they are going to come shooting out of my kids nose before they even do. I can sense when someone needs their nose wiped before I've even seen the actual snot. Now, I do think boogers are totally gross, and I'm pretty sure at one point in my life they made me gag, but I'm becoming totally immune to them. They don't gross me out anymore, I mean I grab other people's with my bare hands! I actually wear them on my clothes like jewelery or an accessory. And when I catch my self walking in to the grocery store with my slippers on and a big old snag smeared across the front of my shirt, I think to myself, "What have I become?" I used to wear real shoes, I used to wear clean and stylish clothes, and I never used to have kleenex stored in every compartment of my clothing and purse. And then I look over when Molly Jo says, "Mom, I ate my booger, it tasted like pizza." and I realize I've become someones mom.............

It is all fun and games until someone gets their head stuck

My least favorite time of day is between 4:00 and 5:00. For whatever reason my children are total animals at this time of day. There is screaming and crying, laying down on the floor, kicking. You name it. And, no matter what I try to keep them busy, absolutely nothing works. I suppose one reason I find this time of day so unbearable is that I'm trying to make supper, get everything out of backpacks and organized and get 2 kids up from nap (and they are not usually in good moods). And so each day the time approaches and so does the dread. Now I've tried to be smarter and work around this time, I've planned only the most fun things for the girls to do at this time, but everything always ends in a meltdown. I've tried to make supper in the morning or early afternoon so that all I have to do is heat up, all have been total failures. I still can not avoid the torture that is this time of day. Each day I hope and pray that my husband will arrive home just a little early to take some of the heat off of me, but this rarely happens as he is an intelligent human being and avoids this time of day like any sane person would. He says he is working but I'm pretty sure he is the guy driving home on 37 going 40 mph. Today I've had a few special delights, as I was fixing our pork chops for supper my 18 month old pulled my pants down around my ankles, on the flip side I guess I finally lost some weight, but I hope the neighbor guy didn't happen to be looking up into our house at the time. Maddy also brought a friend home today so the noise level and excitement has been especially intense. Right now there are 6 kids running around my house yelling and playing indian princesses, the irony of this is that Maddy's friend is native american so let's hope they stop playing before she gets picked up. And best of all during all of this commotion I couldn't hear the baby crying and was finally told by one of the children she had her head stuck in the girls bunkbeds, heaven only knows how long she was stuck in there becuase I was making supper and trying to pretend anyone would care what it tasted like. All I know is that by the time I got there she was so worked up I thought she was going to puke. I also contemplated calling the fire dept because she didn't come out that easily. I'd like to say that all of my problems at this time of day are related to the fact that my children are starving but there is no evidence of that as they very rarely eat their supper..........

The Outing

Our family stays home a lot. We generally take our kids out to do something about once every two weeks. There are a lot of factors involved with whether or not we decide to go somewhere. We learned quickly when our third arrived they would could no longer "plan" to do anything. Every time we plan to do something one of our kids gets sick, it is almost a 100% guarantee, so we no longer plan anything. The more children we've had the harder it gets to take them anywhere, but it seems that about every 2 weeks we can't stand being cooped up anymore and we start to consider it. Now I say consider it like we just walk out the door. Before we decide to go somewhere, we way about 1000 different factors. We consider individual moods, sleep schedules, bowl movements and the phase of of the moon, just to name a few. For example, we have learned the hard way not to take our children anywhere during a full moon. So anyway, we weigh our options carefully because one miscalculation and we are in for a torturous day. Just thinking about all of these factors is so exhausting that often times we decide not to do anything because it is just too hard. But once in a while we wake up optimistically and think, "we can do it." I suppose those who like surprise would like to go on an outing with us because you never know how it is going to end up. Sometimes there are laughs, sometimes tears, and sometimes puke. You just never know. Today we decided to go to the pumpkin patch and after 2 hours of getting ready and packing a bag, we were ready, or so we thought. When we arrived we saw that there was 6" of snow on the ground and when we left home there was none. We were not prepared for this. With tennis shoes on and socks on the baby's hands we got out of the car. Optimistically we plodded on through the snow determined to have a good time. The first thing we did was go on a hay ride, which was fun, a little cold but the driest thing we did all day. While on the ride I got to hear my 6 yr old tell the girl next to her that her sister, Molly was "special" and that she thought the wagon was magically floating along,and also that she understood English but did not speak it. WHAT? I almost died, it made me wonder what she says about me? We then played on very wet toys and a soggy hay fort, a freezing bouncy house. We did everything regardless of soaking wet mittens and feet, it was totally miserable, but no one complained. And then it hit me, the reason why we are willing to put ourselves through all of this for a little fun is because when we go and do something like this, no one complains, no matter what they don't complain............what a beautiful thing!

Check-ups

Today I had the fun experience of taking two of my children to the doctor for a check up, and 2 hours later, with an exam room destroyed, an exhausted staff, two crying girls and a mom ready to drink her lunch, it was over. There is nothing better than taking two healthy kids to the doctor, seriously though, it sucks. The first thing I worry about when I take healthy kids to the doctor is what they are going to pick up while they are there. I'm pretty sure today we used and entire bottle of hand sanitizer while we were there, I wouldn't be surprised if we were charged for one. It won't matter, they will still get sick, they spent most of there time crawling all over the filthy floor, playing in the bathroom, digging in all the drawers and worst of all fishing in the garbage can. No matter what I tried I couldn't keep them out of all of it. Now if I had an nerves left at all this would have sent me into a germ-phobic coma but I lost my last one about 2 years ago so I just sat and shuffled through my wallet. So the next thing I worry about when I take healthy kids to the doctor is what they will destroy or break. I mean when they are sick they are usually a little quiet and will sit with you, when they are healthy they are caged animals and that never leads to anything good. Today my girls played with puke bags and pretended they were hats, kept asking for drinks out of urine collection cups and I think they actually broke that eye light they use. Again I won't be surprised to find a charge for it on our bill. I really tried to keep them busy pretending to be bears while they hid behind the exam table but that just only lasts so long. Finally we got to the actual exam. I'd like to give you details but I have no idea what was said. Nope, I don't know how much the baby weighs, how tall she is, NOTHING. When you take two healthy kids to the doctor it is impossible to hear anything the doctor says or ask any questions. While the doctor was talking I was busy putting everything back into my purse for the millionth time and taking the baby down from the mini-blinds. And, if we hadn't had enough fun yet, we still had shots coming. Got to love shots. Now some mom's probably feel bad for their kids when they have to get shots, but I must be just cold and dead inside because I really don't. Today we all got shots so I got mine first and I didn't cry or flinch at all. Then I spent a while trying to convince my three year old that it was fun and it would be worth it when she didn't get really sick, of course this ended with me holding her down and her screaming while she got the shot. Last the baby got 3 shots and I held her down too. Again, I'm sure some mom's probably feel really bad about these things, but not me. I figure there are far worse things in life they will have to experience so they should learn to deal. Although I think the joke was on me because after I spent all that time convincing them it wouldn't hurt, I sit here tonight with an incredibly sore arm! And so with the shots injected our check up ended. The girls left crying, I left exhausted and the beauty of the whole situation is that Maggie licked a chair in the waiting room on our way so we'll be back again next week.......................

My husband thinks I'm a liar

I know my husband thinks I'm a liar, but he would never admit it. I'm certain he thinks I lie about everything I do all day. I know that when he backs out of the garage every morning and the door closes he says a little prayer thanking God that he gets to leave for the day, oh and also for providing for our family, but more for keeping him away from the war zone, and then thinks to himself I bet Jamie will do nothing today. I firmly believe this because there is absolutely no evidence that I do anything at all by the time he gets home every night. Each day he gets home and asks what I did and I used to give him a long list of things I had accomplished but after a few years of seeing him staring blankly back at me, I reassessed my answer to that question. So what was he seeing that I wasn't? And then, it hit me. I told him I did laundry, but wait there were still just as many laundry baskets around the house with a mix of clean and dirty laundry, and there was also a spread of dirty clothes in just about every room of the house. Believable, I guess not. Next I told him I cleaned the bathroom. Well, he went to the bathroom when he got home and was greeted by a surprise in the bowl. Someone had gone to battle and not flushed, or even wiped, and there was also no evidence of hand washing, but wait the sink was totally full of toothpaste. Very important that you brush after you go to the bathroom especially if you haven't washed your hands. So the other major component of our reason for me being home with the girls is just that I am with them, and that we produce respectful, kind, empathetic and smart young women, but here again I show no proof of headway. When he gets home, they are screaming and crying, acting in no way like we would like, and when he asks our oldest what she did in school she replies, "nothing." I suddenly realize the only evidence I have of having done anything all day is the supper on the table, but you can't really blame a guy for not getting overly excited about hot dogs, during our mandatory weekly hot dog night. So now when he asks what I did all day I usually stick with Maddy's,"nothing," knowing that is what he believes anyway. Don't get me wrong, when I do let him in on some of my daily tasks he never accuses me of lying, but of course he knows I'm on my last nerve when he gets home, and should he decide to make a move like this I may suffer from a complete breakdown, and the last thing he wants is to be stuck with this on his own.............

Full Disclosure

After I had my first baby I was shocked by the things that happened to me that I had no idea would happen. I had read all the books and I had listened to every word my sister had told me about being pregnant and babies. I thought I was ready. I thought I knew what I was doing. I didn't think there would be many surprises in store for me. Boy, was I wrong. Three babies later I'm still some times surprised by what my life has become. The following is a list of things I wish I had known before I decided to take this job................
1. Privacy-What is that?
2. You can only stretch something so far before it just isn't going to go back to the way it was, case in point, my stomach.
3. After your third baby you will have to pee as much as you did when you were pregnant.
4. Being woken up 5 times per night is considered a good nights sleep.
5. I now have more hair on my chin than my 15 year old nephew and I'm pretty sure I spend more time than he does trying to get rid of mine.
6. Someday your kids will point out your stretch marks, laugh, and say, "I did that to you."
7. The more tired you are, the more awake your children will be.
8. Washing up in the bathroom sink and spraying your hair with water can now be considered a shower.
9. Most children are unable to make it to the toilet to puke, they almost all just puke where they are standing and even if you have a bucket in front of them more often than not they will miss.
10. All the cute little baby clothes you bought will be so hard to get on you'll give up half way through and stick to sleepers, and someday you'll give all those cute un-worn clothes away.
11. One day your 3 year old will ask you what the spider on the back of your leg is and you'll look back and realize it's a vein.
12. It will take you about one week of being a mom for you to realize that you never had any concept of all the work your mom did, and no way did you ever appreciate her enough for it.

This being said I still would have taken the job, who can refuse kisses from a chubby little baby that loves you whether or not you have showered, or your chin is prickly!

I had a good mind until I had the children

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart person, not too smart, but smart enough to do well at most things. I graduated in the upper half of my high school class, I graduated with honors from college, but I can say without a doubt that my intelligence has gone down hill over the last 6 1/2 years. I think my mind slips a little more everyday. I can't say for certain what it is about the children that is causing this but I can say that it is directly related to their presence. There are a few very specific symptoms to my problem which seem to be getting worse with time. #1- I can never-ever start a task and finish it. Before the children I could start a task and finish it within a reasonable amount of time and go on to the next thing. These days I can't finish anything and I start about 20 different things at once. For instance, this morning I started laundry, making beds, doing dishes, making breakfast, sorting out summer clothes, sorting out toys and balancing our checkbook all at one time. Now common sense would tell me to just do one thing at a time, complete it and move on to the next, but my mind is bad and in the moment I just keep starting new things. #2- I cannot have a complete conversation with another adult, and if by some miracle I can, it will always be about poop or some other bodily function. I'm not sure when this symptom started at all but this has really gotten bad. Before the children I went to study and discussion groups related to urban economics and women's rights, now I discuss with the children how poop is made, how to get it out and where it is best to put it. This brings us to symptom #3- No one ever listens to me. Before the children, people listened to what I had to say about whatever I had to say. I had a job and people took my advice about their financial matters. Today I talked for a solid five minutes to my 6 year old and she never heard one word I was saying. And my three year old just plain doesn't believe a word I say. I just hope that maybe this will start to turn around for me or at least level off becuase it's looking more and more everyday like within the next five years I'm not even going to be able to function in society. The government will have to create some sort of home for all of us mom's who have simply lost our minds.....................

Number Three

My third child will be 18 mos old this week and in this time I've made what I feel is a pretty scientific conclusion about third children. I believe that third children must be genetically altered at conception. I think they are altered so that from the beginning they are aware that they are the third child in a family and as such they are joining a mom and dad who are already exhausted and as a result very weak. I think they know from day one what their position is and exactly what they can get away with. My Maggie was number 3, and I was excited about her from the start, well minus the 2 hours I cried in the bathroom. From day one I knew she would be my last baby and I was thrilled to be having one more little baby that I would spend more time with, hold more, play with more, and all around enjoy more than I had my other two. I was going to do it the way I wanted to this time. No stress, no time crunches, no worrying about silly things like the house or meals. I was going to be devoted to this baby. Well, things didn't exactly work out like I had planned. For one thing, Maggie came early and my second child wasn't even two yet, so I was pretty much devoted to two babies, completely stressed, the house was a chaotic mess, and meal time was awful because for some reason no one else followed my vision and they still insisted on me preparing meals. Maggie was an awesome baby she never cried, although she really never had to because she had a mom, dad and 2 sisters running to her for her every need. She even got a bottle in the night until she was 7 mos old because every time she would fuss we'd get her a bottle for fear she'd wake her sisters. She slept in our room for the same reason, these are two things than never happened with our other girls. They were in our room for about 2 weeks becuase I could never sleep with them near me, and they never got a bottle in the night past 3 mos. But Maggie was the baby, and so the first months of her life went by. And then Maggie learned to move and then her real personality came out. From the time she could crawl, she could climb, and from the time she could walk she could climb even higher. She has spent the last 6 mos climbing anything and everything all day, she does nothing and I mean nothing else. If it looks dangerous she is interested. As I'm writing this she is sitting in the middle of the island in our kitchen, which is 4 ft off the ground, with a pen writing on my Halloween decorations. Now everyone is probably wondering why I would let her do such a thing, the honest answer is I have no excuse. All I can say is that if I took her off of and down from all of these places I'd never get anything done all day. She climbs on top of our couch and sits in our front window, she climbs onto every bed in our house and jumps, she climbs on top of every toy, every chair, every shelf, she climbs on EVERYTHING. I would never have allowed this with my other two, but I'm telling you she has known from day one that I am a worn women, they have broken me. She even knows at what point in the day she can get away with things. For instance, she knows by the time supper comes around she can rub all of her food into her hair and I won't even notice, and I might not even wash it all out. This is something she never ever does at breakfast or lunch. The child knows that by supper I've had it and she can do just about anything. Now I've already had to make the embarassing call to poison control with her, turned my head for one minute, and I'm waiting for the embarassing trip to the ER when I lie and tell them that of course I never allow her to climb like that, i just missed her this one time..............all I can say is that if I'm this worn down now I can't imagine what it will be like when she is a teenager and I've already gone thru 2 of those.................

Mrs. Potato Head

I was getting ready for the day the other morning and I thought to myself, "you are like Mrs. Potato Head." Not a well put together Mrs. Potato Head, more like the kind my 3 yr old constructs. You know, mis-matched parts, things that don't go at all, she just looks thrown sloppily together. I was blow drying my hair which is pretty much going all out for me and I noticed that I had plucked one of my eye brows and never had time to do the other. The sweat pants I'd chosen to wear for the day were like 5 years old, I believe I even wore them when I was pregnant. The t-shirt I had on not only had stains on it, but holes as well. Of course everything I wear has a stain, and if it doesn't when I put it on it will by the time I take it off at night. We recently went to a wedding and I wore white Capri's. Now of course everyone is wondering what I could possibly have been thinking, and the simple answer is that I wasn't thinking at all. So we had to park a couple of blocks from the church and after about a block my 3 yr old wanted to be carried, so I picked her up and carried her the rest of the way. About 5 minutes later as we got seated in the church I looked down at my Capri's and realized they were covered in dirt. I would have shrugged off a little smudge, but this was coverage of about 50%. By far some of Molly's best work. So I went to the restroom and tried to wash the dirt off, hoping it was just dust and that it would brush off easily. Well, it didn't. So next I tried using some paper towel and a little soap, but I ignored one very important fact, the paper towel was like the brown paper bag stuff. So by the time I was done my Capri's looked even worse, now they were dirty looking and stained brown from the paper towel. I ended up having to find my friend, the bride, and ask for a blow dryer to at least dry my pants a little. I spent the next 8 hours in tragically stained pants. This is what I mean by Mrs. Potato Head, I might start out put together but by the time my 3 yr old is done with me I'm a mess. I guess the important thing to remember here is that Mrs. Potato Head can always be improved, so maybe there is hope for me. Maybe someday I won't mistakenly go into the grocery store wearing my slippers. And maybe someday my hair will be dyed when it should be and both my eye brows will be plucked at the same time, and maybe just maybe I'll be able to wear clothes with no holes or stains....................

Meatballs

Tonight I made spagetti and meatballs for supper. Probably a usual for some people but a new thing for my family. That is, the meatballs are new. I've never made meatballs in my life, but in an effort to make the spagetti portion of the meal more appealing to my children I decided to go all out and make meatballs. I thought this would be an exciting twist on supper. I was wrong. Very wrong. The meatballs were recieved a little better than the news that it is time to go to bed. I spent half the afternoon crafting this meal and 2 of my children only ate noodles with butter and one of them picked a meatball apart as if she were giving it an autopsy.........and I'm almost positive none of the pieces ever made it to her mouth! When I was a kid you ate what was in front of you and you ate it fast or someone else might grab it. And there were certainly no meatballs! There were also no grand efforts to make supper fun, exciting or appealing to us. Yet every night I try to make something that is not only healthy for the entire family but also something that everyone will eat. I fail every single night. I might achieve one but never both. Now if I had any other job in the world I'm sure I'd quit. I mean, I've had people cry over not wanting to eat my meals, gag themselves, hide food in there mouths and go spit it into the garbage. I've seen and heard it all. And yet I keep plugging away. I'm pretty sure the only reason I haven't quit yet is because I can't. And a mother's insane need to see her children eat must be what keeps me going. Ironically most nights I'm not even discouraged by the previous nights fiasco and I still start making supper thinking to myself, "maybe tonight will be the night that they all eat." It hasn't happened yet, but maybe one of these days.........

Shake It

Well I don't know a mom out there who was left with the same body after having babies, although a few of you who will remain nameless were pretty close. Anyway, I've been trying to work my butt off literally for almost 18 mos now. After I had my first baby it came off pretty fast, I don't remember complaining about it anyway, and after my 2nd I got it all off plus some, I actually got to my goal weight. My dietician even called me one day to congratulate me on achieving my goal and 10 seconds later I was pregnant with number 3. I'm so serious. And so after 3 babies I'm left with what I'm pretty sure is someone else's body. I don't recognize it that's for sure. So I waited for 6 weeks after I had Maggie to begin exercising and watching what I ate. It has been 18 mos now and I'm down a total of almost 12 lbs. Now some might say "good job," but I have to say this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I go to Zumba class 2-3 times a week, I go to Curves on opposite days and I ride my bike and walk and I'm down a huge 12 lbs. Whoopie! The really sick part of this whole thing is that I very rarely have time to eat and I absolutely never sit down. It is 7:45 and this is the first time I've sat down since I got up at 6 this morning. And it's not like I'm even standing in one place, I'm running, jumping, hurdling little kids, crawling on the floor and often times dancing to entertain. I've never claimed that life was fair, but really? After 27 mos of carrying other human beings around, puking probably 1000's of times and not having relaxed in 6.5 years, this is what I deserve! I mean, I believe I deserve a chocolate bar! I also believe I shouldn't have to work out until my knees ache and I'm so tired I can barely make it into bed at night, and all this for 12lbs. All this makes me wonder how on Earth did June Cleaver do it? I mean, the woman wore heels and lipstick all the time, had supper on the table and a smile on her face. And she didn't have an ounce of baby fat on her! Oh well, she was probably strung out on diet pills and valium. At least I enjoy an occasional bowl of ice cream!

Getting Ready for Church

There are so many things that happen before, during and after our family goes to church that I could probably write on this subject for days, but today I'm choosing to share my experiences getting three little girls ready for church, not to mention myself, and my husband. Every Sunday morning I set my alarm for 5:30 am in hopes that I will be able to get up at that time thus not having to rush my family out the door. Failure number one is that I almost never get up. I convince myself that I can sleep just a few more minutes, I mean after all it is Sunday and I am exhausted, and then when I finally wake up it's to the baby yelling, "Mom" into the monitor and it almost always 7:00. So I fly out of bed because church starts at 8:30 and I have 5 people to get out the door. I run up the stairs get the baby out of bed, wake my older two up and yell down the stairs for my husband to get up. I then begin begging the children to either eat or get dressed and they never want to do either. So I systematically line them up and dress them one at a time. Then I fix each one's hair. This all takes at least 30 minutes becuase they are fighting me all the way. People are crying and screaming, some are non-responsive, but I just keep dressing them and pulling hair. Meanwhile, I'm yelling at Jake to get in the shower becuase for some reason it takes him far longer to get ready than it takes me. This man doesn't even have hair! I don't know what he does in that bathroom but it takes forever. My suspicion of course is that he is just avoiding the mass chaos going on in the living room, but I know he would deny this. So while he is in the shower I'm yelling the kids are screaming and many un-christian things are being said both ways. This is usually the one time per week that I channel my mother. I can't be certain but I'm pretty sure her words come right out of my mouth. You know the usual, "Someday you are going to have kids and I hope they behave like this for you," or the ever popular, "You will be sorry." And so the morning goes. I fight with everyone of them about what they will eat and pretty much force feed them. There is always some sort of wardrobe tragedy such as gogurt spilled all over or even better smeared in the hair. And just when I finally have everyone almost ready I realize I still have my nightgown on, and better yet, it is now 8:00 am. So for the 7th time this week I skip showering, spray down my hair, put on a little extra perfume, throw some clothes on and we are out the door. All the way to church I'm yelling at the girls fighting in the back of the car and at the same time trying to remember all the things I know I forgot for Sunday School. At 8:25 we arrive at church and all is finally quiet, the battle is done. Or is it? Nope, it's only just begun................................

Inspiration

So I have spent days considering how I would begin writing about my thoughts, feelings and experiences of motherhood but nothing has inspired me to actually sit down and write, until today. I was watching the Wizard of Oz with my family when I got up to go the bathroom. Yes it seems like something very mundane, but in the world of a mom it is so much more. The bathroom a place to be alone, to have quiet, to reflect on the events of the day. Ah, but wait, a knock at the door, I ignore the knock, a bang at the door, I ignore the bang, a full blown kick and I swing over to unlock the door for fear that my three year old will wake her baby sister sleeping across the hall. And then it hits me, I am a mom, I'm never alone not even in the bathroom. In the last 6 yrs I have used the bathroom alone only a handful of times, and most of these have come in the middle of the night. Even when I'm sick the curiosity is too much for my kids. When I was pregnant I would spend hours every morning throwing up, or trying to throw up, and even then my kids had to be involved. They were either asking me what I was doing every ten seconds or sticking their head in the toilet to see what I produced. No smell or sound is enough to keep them away. This has got to be true love! I often believe my girls must think that what I do in the bathroom is mystical or magical or truly un-real. The only thing I can compare it to is when you see your teacher in a store when you are a kid and you are amazed that they are out in public. It's like you just can't believe that this person doesn't spend 24/7 at school. Maybe I've spent so much time ignoring even my basic needs that when they finally overcome me my children are in shock and just have to see the action. Whatever the draw, at least I know I'll never be alone and I am loved. I guess we'll see if they still want to follow me into the bathroom when I'm an old lady and need help wiping my butt!